Let the storm come

Today is Dylan's 5th Birthday.  I had forgotten that Dylan's birthday tends to bring up a lot of memories, sadness and grief about Leroy. It's all related. Dylan's birth, Leroy's birth, how Leroy is not here to celebrate Dylan's birthday. How much it hurts.  

It crept up on me. We have just had 'the best ever' Christmas holiday with family in my beloved home town of Port Fairy. Nineteen days of bliss. Such a special and beautiful time, even though at times it was hard. We have lots of memories of Leroy being with us in Port Fairy.  Christmas and New Year we miss Leroy a lot.  I sing in our local community gospel choir and we do a stack of gigs around our town in the lead up to Christmas. They are beautiful songs, and there are a few I find hard not to cry through. Which is ok exept that I can't sing and cry at the same time.  One of our new ones is called "Christmas is a time to love", and I found this one particularly hard.  I've given up wishing I wasn't so 'emotional' aka being easily moved. I don't see it as a sign of weakness anymore, it is just part of who I am.

I love this photo. Dylan was singing to Leroy when
this was taken. A made up song about them both.

Today was, quite naturally, all about Dylan, so my grief took me by surprise. I was happy. It's almost impossible not be happy around Dylan. He is a beacon of joy.   Peter and I feel so incredibly grateful to be blessed with Dylan as our son.  Gosh I love him so much.  He is such a beautiful soul, and was an amazing brother to Leroy. But there was an undercurrent of uneasiness. Once I figured out what was going on, things flowed much better.

Our wonderful grief counselor gave us a beautiful book recently. It is called "When I die will I get better"? Of all Dylan's books, he asked for this one as his book before bed tonight. I always cry when I read it so I checked with him that it was ok if I cried when I read it.  Over the years we have often talked about crying being a natural and ok thing, and he said he didn't mind. So I read it. It was good to have a cry. I have had a few cries today, and I think I need to do some more. It feels better to let it out.

The pumpkin plants are threatening to take over much of our vegie patch/Leroy's garden and Leroy and Dylan's trees are surrounded, so I am going to lead them away from the trees where they will have more room. I always feel better, more grounded and more connected to Leroy when I can get into the garden. I have learned that it's not just a 'good' thing for me to do, it's necessary. It's a requirement for my mental health.

So is music. I have found a song that has captured my heart. It's beautiful, divine, exquisite. For me, it's a perfect analogy for life and grief. It's called 'Let The Storm Come'. I hope you like it too.