Our beautiful Leroy suffered severe brain damage during his birth on 21st March 2012. Leroy's fight ended on 19th October 2012, when he died peacefully in our arms, just short of being 7 months old.

This is our story of Loving Leroy.

We hope that it will provide information and support to others who may be in a similar situation.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Reflections

Since hitting a pretty big low around Leroy's birthday in March I feel as though some of the darkness has lifted, and I've really been able to feel joy. Fantastical, guilt-free joy. Through a whole series of big and small things, I have found myself at peace with a lot of things. This has made way for feeling extra grateful and happier. Yay!

I should premise this with saying that there have been two things that I have experienced in my life that have altered the way I see myself, others, the world, the past, the future and what is possible. One is The Landmark Forum which I did way back in 2000. I hate to even contemplate how much harder things would have been if we had not done his course. It would have been a very different story and I reckon Peter and I would be basket cases and divorced. The second is an online course I did a few months ago (huge thanks to my very special friend Joey for putting me on to it). It's based on energy profiling, and has made a huge difference to how I relate to myself, Dylan, Leroy and Peter (and everyone else!). So much so that I am more in love with Peter than I have ever been before. 

It's also helped me understand how well Peter and I worked as a team to take care of Leroy and Dylan at home. I can see now how we played to each of our strengths, rather than my interpretation which was that I was weak and hopeless and as Leroy's mother I 'should' have been able to be Leroy's primary carer, rather than Peter. This has been a huge relief.

This was a beautiful moment. I was holding
Leroy very carefully whilst Peter and Dylan
  planted Leroy's special tree. Dylan came
over to me to gently push my hair away
from my face. Precious memories.

Another big revelation is that I have come to a deep knowing that Leroy's essence is within me, in my body and we are never apart. It's taken something to get to this place and I am not even sure how it happened, but it has given me a lot of peace. Leroy began life inside me, grew within me, and finished his last breath lying on my chest, heart to heart. He is with me always.
At the same time, I know that there is still some stuff to deal with.  My body is telling me. I have a frozen shoulder and it’s getting worse rather than better, even after seeing my fabulous shoulder dude (Applied Kinesiologist & Chiropractor) Simon. Simon sorted out my frozen shoulder pretty quickly when it appeared 6 years ago but it seems a bit more complex this time. We think it’s hooked up with grief and anger, that’s my next mission.

This has all been leading up to this past weekend when Peter and I attended a weekend retreat for bereaved parents. It is run by an amazing organisation called Very Special Kids. They provide all kinds of services and support for very special kids and their families. If anyone knows how to create a safe space, it's these guys.

We got back Sunday night, exhausted, and very glad we went. We are so grateful that VSK exists, and that we were able to attend the weekend (huge thanks to my mum for taking care of Dylan).  I have to mention that VSK receive no (or very little) government funding. The whole weekend, (accommodation, food and alcohol, yoga, massages, workshops etc) was provided at no cost to parents. Incredible. There are so many things I got out of the weekend, but I think the biggest thing was getting to hang out with other bereaved parents. I was so so moved hearing about their journey - about their family, their children, their sorrow, courage, inspiration and grief.  It was such a special time, and by being part of it, Peter and I feel that we have been able to let go of a heap of stuff, and we feel that we honoured Leroy and his life in a really beautiful way by being there.

This is a poem I wrote during one of the workshops we did on the weekend.

Leroy
Leroy my love
Leroy my darling
Flying high
Flying free
Full of love
Filled up with love
Love from me
From my womb
From every part of me
All the way up
From your perfect toes
To your gorgeous ears
And beautiful, big blue eyes
You are always with me
We are never apart



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2 comments:

  1. Pedro1 January 2015 at 04:24

    Thanks so much for sharing your heartbreaking story with the world. Leroy is lucky to have you as parents. Our little boy has the same diagnosis so its helpful to read about your experiences. He is now at home with us and is 3 months old. We have had many similar experiences to you, from feeding our son breastmilk, to asking a chiropractor to come to the hospital, to doing much the same meditation for him with family and friends. It is uncanny and has made us feel less alone to find your blog. Is there an email we can write to you at? (We are in Sydney.) Best wishes.

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  2. Natasha Mills11 January 2015 at 00:33

    Hi Pedro, I have just seen your message now. Yes, you are very welcome to contact us. peterandnatasha@gmail.com. Love to hear from you Pedro.

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