New Life

Peter and I have been on quite a journey since Leroy died.  This has included our feelings toward whether we wanted to have another child. Yes, no, maybe, no, yes.  It’s taken quite a while to get to yes.  In the weeks before conceiving we had become very relaxed about it. We felt that if our baby wanted to come, it would come, and if not, we had a beautiful family, a great life, and lots to be thankful for. It was ok either way.

Then of course, it happened.  It’s taken a while to sink in.  At 43, I feel very blessed to be able to have conceived. I have been thinking a lot about friends and people I know who have had very rocky, very challenging and sometimes unsuccessful roads towards being pregnant.  We are very, very grateful.

We both worked very consciously at getting our health back on track, especially after the intense physical and emotional stress we experienced during Leroy’s birth, life and death.  We focused a lot on our diet, and continued to work through our grief and other emotional ‘stuff’ that came up. We also worked with Rocco, our dietitian, and then Kirstey, my amazingly fabulous acupuncturist/TCM practitioner at Brunswick Integrative Care.  Without them I don’t think we would have conceived.

I knew before we got pregnant that this pregnancy would bring up a lot of stuff about Leroy.  Stuff about Leroy’s birth, pregnancy, and Leroy’s life.  I was not wrong. The 24-hour nausea (no vomiting thank goodness) has helped to bring out all the darkness, anger and grief that has been waiting to come to the surface.   

Peter has been a champion, taking care of me and being a slave to the kitchen whilst I avoid anything to do with the kitchen and food/preparation, lying horizontal on the couch and getting lots of rest.

Please forgive me if I haven’t told you personally of our news, I really have not been up to calling everyone, feeling so sick all the time. We are due in October, and our baby is very strong, healthy and doing fabulously. Yay.

I did wonder how I would feel about Leroy if I became pregnant.  To my relief I feel more connected and closer to Leroy than ever. He is with me always.