Brown Coloured Glasses

I remember the first bereaved parents night Peter and I went to last year.  A couple of parents told us that the second year after their child died was harder than the first. I found this very very hard to hear. I wondered how it could possibly be worse than what I was already feeling. In fact, I made a mental note that "It won't be like that for me, no way". Five months in to the second year I can confirm that it is 'harder'. The realisation that this is our life now, without Leroy, and that there is more healing and working through stuff to come, has hit hard.

It's been an emotion filled week. Yesterday was the UN Day of Happiness, and today is World Down Syndrome Day and Harmony Day in Australia. Today is also equinox. 'Equal amounts of light and darkness on both sides of the planet. A celebration of balance, of that point just before & just after, of the pause at the end of the exhale when we regain our footing on the earth, letting her pull us toward her so we can dance lightly but with exquisite balance' (Oriah). Very fitting I thought, as it is also Leroy's birth day.

All the memories of the last few minutes of Leroy's birth and his first day at the RCH have come flooding back today.  I can't bring myself to think of it as his "birthday".  To indulge in what might have been, and imagine Leroy running around as a healthy, happy 2 year old playing with Dylan and blowing out the candles on his birthday cake is torture - so I don't go there. 

Fun at the strawberry farm

We've had a lovely family day today. Dylan, Peter and I rode our bikes to the local strawberry farm this morning, picked some strawberries, and made it back up the massive hills on Flanagan's Drive without stopping (for Leroy). Dylan was a legend with his little legs pedaling away on the tag-along.

We made a cake in honour of Leroy, made a special dessert with the strawberries we had picked, had a beautiful walk (more like a run, led by Dylan) in the forest and acknowledged what an amazing, beautiful, patient and caring brother Dylan was to Leroy, and what a wonderful son he is.

We also watched a 30 minute video of Leroy, celebrating his life with us.  There have been many, many tears and hugs today, and it has been good to remember all the tenderness, love, care and beautiful family life we were able to give our beautiful Leroy (and ourselves). I have also been thinking a lot about all the amazing love and support we have and continue to receive, and the many incredible contributions that have come our way.  Thank you so, so much.

Peter recording the guitar for our song tonight

A song for Leroy has been brewing in me for a long time. I set myself a goal to write it this week.

This is the first, VERY rough cut of the song, Brown Coloured Glasses.   Not the kind of song I thought I would write, but this is what has come to the surface and it feels good to express myself and honour Leroy in this way.

3 April - new version is here