Nothing is the same

Time to fess up. One of the reasons I have not written for so long, is I that I have had thoughts that go something like, “This blog is soooo self-indulgent and people will be sick of me talking about grief and whinging, especially so long after Leroy has died”.  Funny how I let this get in the way.

The first year anniversary of Leroy’s death was on 19^th October last year, and it was tough, both in the lead up and on the day.  We went to Port Fairy to my mum’s, which was a great move. Being in Port Fairy is always a good thing - we had 3 family holidays there with Leroy and he really loved it there.

We kept it simple, and spent some lovely time remembering and honouring Leroy and his beautiful soul.  We allowed ourselves to feel the deep sadness, loss and grief at his life, his brain injury, and in particular, remembering his last day – finding him not breathing, our last ride in the ambulance, our decision to take Leroy off life support, and the amazing 3+ hours we had with him before he took his last breath laying on my chest. 

It seems the first anniversary of everything Leroy related is the hardest, and now it is behind us.

A lovely friend of mine showed me the photo below and said she thought of me when she saw it. It really struck a chord with me, and helped me see things differently. Rather than seeing myself primarily as weak and vulnerable, I can now see how brave Peter and I have been, and how much we have grown and healed. Not a day goes by when I don't remember and think about the  amazing things people have done for us, and how much we have been supported and loved. Those thoughts, deeds and acts of such open-hearted generosity have not been forgotten. In fact, I am able to remember them more now, as I have more room in my heart and in my head. My deepest thanks to you all.

 When I put Dylan to bed at night, we talk about our favourite part of the day what we are grateful for. A few nights ago I was telling Dylan what I was thankful for, including giving birth to Dylan and Leroy. Dylan replied, saying “But not Leroy Mum, ‘cos he died”. I told him that it didn’t matter that he died, I was very thankful to have had Leroy.  Both my boys are always teaching me and reminding me of things. Yes, I am grateful.

Some things are getting a bit easier. Seeing my friends who had babies around the same time as I had Leroy - seeing their child’s joy, growth and wonderfulness, as well as Dylan's Kinder drop-off/pickup, where I see lots of mums with their newborns, and the other kinder kids with their younger siblings.

Where I am at the moment, is starting to accept that this is the new me, this is the way life is now, and I have less and less control over what is happening in this life of mine.  Life with, and without Leroy was and will never be the same. I’ve been resisting this for a long time, and I find it very tricky, but I am making some head-way. Nothing is the same.