Loving Leroy: Remembering Leroy

We held Leroy's Funeral Service on Saturday 27th October at 11am at our house in Merrimu. It was eight days after Leroy had died, and we decided to hold it on a weekend to give as many people as possible the opportunity to come.

There was no question for us, we wanted to have the service at our place overlooking the forest. It was perfect. We had a stack of help from friends and family to get a heap of the property mown, as well as a general clean up and borrowing of chairs, tea/coffee cups, urns, lecturn and other stuff.

We were also blessed to find an amazing local woman, Faye Tandy to be our celebrant. Not only is she very professional, compassionate and competent, but she is also a great listener and an exceptional writer. After talking with us and reading our blog, Faye started writing as did I, and we began to bring some order to all our thoughts and feelings.

Peter and I didn't really know how we were going to go in terms of being able to speak, but we knew we really wanted to. I felt quite calm in the days leading up to it, and thankfully the writing of the service all came together beautifully, and after reading through it the night before, we felt like we had included everything we wanted to say.

We were worried about what the weather might do on the day of Leroy's service, but as the day drew nearer the weather forecast got better, and we sighed with relief in the morning - it wasn't blowing a gale!

It really was an incredible day. When I stood up to speak, I looked out at all the faces of our friends and family, all loving us, and it gave me all the strength in the world to get the words out.

This is the service.

CEREMONY for Leroy James Mills

born 21^st March, died 19^th October 2012

Welcome and Thank You - Faye Tandy

On behalf of the parents and the family of Leroy Mills, I welcome everyone to this ceremony today. My name is Faye Tandy, I am a civil celebrant and it is my privilege to share in honouring Leroy’s life.

May we begin please with an 'Acknowledgement of Country'

Today we stand in footsteps millennia old.
May we acknowledge the traditional owners
whose cultures and customs have nurtured,
and continue to nurture, this land,
since men and woman awoke the great dream.

We honour the presence of these ancestors
who reside in the imagination of this land
and whose irrepressible spirituality
flows through all creation.

Friends and family starting to gather - our
wonderful celebrant Faye Tandy at the lectern

Natasha and Peter have been both humbled and overwhelmed by the support and love they and Leroy have received since Leroy’s birth on March 21^st and wish to convey their heart felt thanks for coming today.

While there are too many of you to name individually, special note must be made of The Royal Children’s Hospital and its staff, in particular the Family Choice Program and Leroy’s two carers who provided respite for Peter and Natasha, Zeny and Estelle. There are so many other wonderful organisations and people who have assisted them, some of whom are here today. Thank you so much.

They would also like to thank Peter and Natasha’s family, especially Natasha’s mother Brenda and sister Katrina, who have been their rock – words cannot express their gratitude to you both. A huge thank you to Peter’s family, in particular Peter’s parents Ian and Sue. Ian has taken many trips over from NZ to project manage and fund, some much needed work on the house that you see before you. Thank you so much. Thank you also to the fabulous tradesman who worked weekends and around the clock to get the work done quickly.

And then there are the friends who have provided so much to the Mills family. Meals, time playing with Dylan, cleaning, organising, cooking, providing massages, as well as visiting and sending so much love and support. Thank you.

There has also been considerable financial assistance given to the Mills family. Individual friends, Peter’s secondary school friends from NZ, his sound and film community at Park Road Post, A choired Taste of Gospel Choir, and the St Andrews Playgroup – all of this without any prompting or organising from Peter and Natasha.

This financial contribution has allowed them to focus on Leroy and what he needed, as well as paying for the therapy and equipment required, without a second thought, and has spared them the stress that can come from not knowing where the money is going to come from. Thank you so much.

Please know that all of you are valued and appreciated far more than words can express. We in turn, express our deepest and most heartfelt sympathy to Natasha, Peter and Dylan, and their extended families.

Reading - Faye Tandy

We would today, like to give thanks and celebrate the life that was Leroy’s, and the legacy of love that he has left, and include you all in acknowledging the gifts he brought, as well as the heartbreaking loss of his passing.

May we begin with this reading by Jim Boswell, called “Thankfulness for a special child”,

“Thankfulness for a special child”

For the joy of summer sunrise

And refreshing drops of rain,

We are thankful

For the gift of each new morning

And the chance to try again

We are thankful

For our baby Leroy

Whose cuddles conquered pain

We are thankful

For life’s harmonies and discords

For life’s comfort and its strain

We are thankful

For this child who brought fresh feelings

And new reasons for each day

We are thankful

For his eyes that speak with meaning

That mere words cannot convey

We are thankful

For the hours and the minutes

And the seconds of each day

We are thankful

For friends’ smiles and warming hugs

When they don’t know what to say

We are thankful

For the strength of love here present

May it never fade away.

We are thankful for all of these things

……………..

Most of all, we are thankful to have spent each day we had with Leroy, to have had the opportunity to experience him, to hold him, listen to him, watch him, talk to him, smell him, kiss him, feel him, and love him (thank-you)

There are no words of comfort that can cushion the shock experienced when one is faced with the death of a young baby. We grieve most for the passing of the young. If the old depart we recognise a natural change, as when the sunset dissolves naturally into the dusk and the stars come out in the night. But the death of someone so young, shocks us as if the morning were suddenly overcast by blackness – the day suffering a dreadful eclipse.

There does not seem to be any point in searching for meaning and sense, rhyme or reason, in such a loss. Rather one feels anger and pain and hurt, and deep, deep sorrow that such a thing as this can happen.

Today, in a number of ways unites us all. Leroy’s passing, for a time, demands that each one of us put aside our toil, our cares, our business, our pleasure and our folly, to unite ourselves with everyone here – fellow-mourners – who share in the common bond of love for Leroy.

This very grief is a token that death cannot take from us the most precious of our treasures – namely, love. It is the tear of love that flows the fullest, the pain of love that aches the deepest, the thoughts of love that move us most profoundly. Other passions have their tears and pains; but none are so keen in their sense of loss as love. For love is of the very essence of the human heart; and, when we are deprived of the child we love, our inner soul seems torn in two, and life is only a part of what it was.

The intense feeling of love that grieves for the young shows that nature itself is teaching us to keep hold of something that is truly worth keeping. Of all memories, the memory of the young moves us more deeply than any other.

The memory of Leroy will bring refreshment to our hearts and strengthen and comfort us. There is one thing that can never be taken away, and that is the experience of loving Leroy- the very apt name of the blog Natasha and Peter wrote of their journey. Love flowed from the hearts of those who surrounded and were close to Leroy, and he responded to this love.

We know that Leroy fought hard to stay, that his courage and tenacity against

overwhelming odds, were matched by his family’s determination and fight, their belief that life is a privilege, to be respected and honoured. Although Leroy’s time was brief, the love of him will endure, and he will always be treasured.

Reading - Katrina Flora

Little Snow Drop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Leroy's Journey - Faye Tandy

Leroy was a much-loved baby, arriving on his due date of March 21^st, 2012, the second cherished and anticipated child of Natasha and Peter, and a beautiful baby brother for Dylan. The anticipated joy quickly became anguish, however, as his catastrophic brain injuries emerged. Though his short life was challenging, he was surrounded by both a loving immediate and extended family, and a huge number of supporters, health professionals, and even strangers, who were moved by his courage and tenacity. His mother Natasha, his father Peter, brother Dylan, and extended family all grieve his passing, as do you all in one way or another.

You who loved him are left with a legacy of somewhat bittersweet memories. Hospital admissions, therapy and visits, constant worry, vigilance and nursing routines, were balanced by his family’s passion for having Leroy here, at home in every sense, as a place of harmony and belonging. Here, in this beautiful home and environment, where the family, with Dylan leading the way, could go for walks walking in the beautiful forest nearby, making meditations and music, and communicating with Leroy, through that most powerful sense, of touch.

Natasha and Peter may have wondered how much Leroy was able to experience through sight and hearing, but they could never doubt that he experienced their absolute love, through their touch and nearness. Knowing him so well, they could tell when he responded, and he in turn, has taught them much about themselves, each other, and the strength of their relationship. Dylan’s sensitivity and love towards Leroy was beautiful to observe too, and this loving family are even stronger, though sorely tested, for loving Leroy.

A void is left, an emptiness, with his going

Leroy's Birth - Natasha Mills

Our darling Leroy had the worst rotten luck ever. No one could have predicted Leroy’s shoulders would be get stuck after his head was born. No one could have predicted that his umbilical cord would be around his shoulders where he was stuck, starving him of oxygen.

It was so hard to comprehend that Leroy had suffered such an extensive brain injury – his body looked so perfect and so beautiful. All we knew, was that we wanted to love him as much as we could, and get him home. I am very aware that some people never get to hold their baby, to touch, feel and smell them. We did. We had almost 7 months to love our boy, and we are grateful for every single day we had with him.

We cherish the walks we had with Leroy in the forest here, we cherish the beautiful baths we had together, the trips to Port Fairy and the long sleepy cuddles we had, skin to skin.

Although Leroy did not cry, he made some lovely sounds, and these I cherish especially. I would like to share some of Leroy’s lovely noises with you now. (I have not figured out a way to put audio sounds onto the blog, so I have put it into a little slideshow of photos - click on video below)

Leroy was so so strong. His heart was very strong, and yet he endured much pain and discomfort. That was the hardest part of all.

There is simply no way to express to you all, our gratitude for the amount of love and support we have received. We simply could not have cared for Leroy they way we did without you, thank you.

There seems like so much to say, but not enough words.

I want to publicly acknowledge Peter, Leroy’s amazing father. Peter, you have been the most amazing, loyal, devoted, committed and loving parent a child could ever wish for. Leroy has brought out a side in you I had never seen before. You gave Leroy so much love, and so much tenderness and care, it was truly beautiful to behold. Thank you my darling, I am blessed to have you as my husband.

I now have a short reading that I have adapted from Ellan Bass.

When you were born and placed in my arms
like a bouquet, and I looked into your face,
with the early morning sky,
I thought, of course this is you,
like a person who has never seen the sea
can recognise it instantly.

I had held you so close for so long

And all the love that had been bottled inside flowed out.

I adored you with the squandering passion of spring

That shoots out green from every pore.

I was sure that kind of love would be enough.

I hoped it with all my heart

How could I have known you were the teacher sent to us.

Over and over, you have cracked the sky like lightning
illuminating all my fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Love this massive is the burden we must learn to bear,

And now you are free Leroy, thank you for the many gifts to gave to us all.

I love you.

Leroy's Gift - Peter Mills

There are things that make me feel alive. Looking at a sunset, at trees in a forest, at people that I love.

Listening to birds, frogs, exhilarating or inspiring music, people telling stories, babies making their noises.

Enjoying food, all of the flavours and textures and satisfactions they give.

Active pursuits like running at full speed, playing sport and games, singing and playing music.

All of these things switch me on and make me feel vibrant and alive. Leroy had profound hearing loss, limited vision - if any at all - and a very limited ability to move his perfect body. So he was missing all of those things that I just mentioned.

But there's one other thing that has always brought me the strongest feelings of love, belonging and safety. That thing is touch. Leroy loved physical contact. When he was in distress, the most surefire way to get him to calm down and heal his upset was to put him on me, chest to chest with his head on my breast. When we did this Leroy started to slow his panicked breathing down, his temperature would stop rising and his runaway saliva production would come back to normal. Pretty soon both of our eyes would close and we would both fall into a blissful slumber. For me these were moments of absolutely perfect love, for both Leroy and me.

Leroy's brain injury happened at birth so I know that his most wonderful times were while he was in Natasha's womb - safe and warm, hearing our voices - Natasha singing around the house, with the choir or with Dylan or me. Dylan chatting his 2 year old chatter. Me putting my head to Natasha's belly and sharing things with the little baby that we were yet to meet. Leroy was very very active. He did summersaults and all manner of other athletic endeavours while in the safely of his mothers womb.

Love was Leroy's greatest gift. Since Leroy was born, love has radiated around us from close by and very far away with a power that I will never understand. Leroy brought out love and generosity in people that I could never have expected. There is nothing that feels stronger or deeper than the feeling of love and Leroy was at the centre of that, like the sun to our world

Poem - Di Diddle

Natasha and Peter’s friend Di Diddle was at Leroy’s birth and has put some words together, and has generously agreed to share them.

Meditation for Leroy - Faye Tandy

We are now going to do a meditation, created by Rinchen, a Buddhist Nun- thank you to Natasha’s cousin Kylee who arranged for this happen.

Please close your eyes and take a couple of nice deep breaths

I invite you to create a sacred space and fill it with whatever your spiritual faith is, bringing in everything that will comfort and support.

Now, fill the space with as much love and blessings as you can, supporting one another with compassion and loving kindness.

I now ask that you see baby Leroy in the space in front of you, perhaps in the arms of a beautiful angel, see him smiling and happy, free from any suffering or pain and full of beautiful golden light and surrounded by rainbow colours.

Allow your mind to rest at your heart centre, visualising a beautiful lotus with a golden ball of light in the middle

This golden ball of light is our inner loving kindness and compassion our deepest heart of hearts, imagine light rays from this ball start to emanate, filling the body with love and compassion, dissolving the grief and sadness and bringing great comfort, then sending it out to everyone in the room so that we are all connected in the spirit of kindness and compassion, then collectively sending it out with all our love and heartfelt prayers to Leroy.

The light rays fill his body and heart making a wonderful connection of unconditional love.

Then when you are ready allow him to dissolve into rainbow light that goes out into the universe touching everything, earth, sky and all things, and finally a beautiful ray of that light comes back to your heart, entering it and you know that the unconditional bonds of love are never broken even though the spirit moves on.

In this space of love and compassion we are always connected.

Reading by Angus H Maclean - Belinda Tito

Leaves should not fall in early Summer

Winter should not follow on the heels of Spring

Yet, when they do, we can and must still speak for life

For there is no answer to death but to live vigorously and beautifully

We give respect and dignity to the one we mourn
only when we respect and dignify life
and move towards its richest fulfilment

Conclusion - Faye Tandy

Leroy’s life and courage, has touched hundreds of people, and taught us much about endurance, the power of touch and importance of love to give a life meaning

Our local community choir A Choired Taste of Gospel, which Peter and Natasha have both been a part of, will now help us to say good-bye to Leroy. To honour his legacy, we invite you to join hands, and anyone who would also like to sing, please do. You may like to place your plant in Leroy’s garden at the conclusion of this song, and afterwards, please stay for refreshments, or go for a walk in the forest.

Once again, thank-you all for being here……song, “Steal away”

Steal away, steal away

Steal away, to Jesus

Steal away, steal away home,