One month on

It's hard to believe that a month ago, we were holding Leroy in our arms for the last time, and yet in some ways, it feels like eternity.  So much has happened - it's hard to know where to begin, but I will give it a try.

Leroy a few days before he died

The staff at the Royal Children's Hospital initially said "No, you can't" when we asked if we could take Leroy home with us after he died. The thought of leaving Leroy at the hospital was unbearable. Our social worker did some advocating and coordinating on our behalf, and we signed the paper work to enable us to take Leroy home.

After Leroy died I didn't want to move him from my chest, I didn't want to be apart from him, but eventually we moved him, Peter gave him his last bath and we signed more paperwork. We wrapped Leroy up, carried him to the car and all drove home together. The four of us were in the back seat, Peter holding Leroy in his arms.

It might sound a bit strange, and I probably would have thought so myself if some one had described it to me, but it felt right to us.  We had been with Leroy when he died and death didn't seem so scarey anymore.

We laid Leroy in his cot in our house of love. We had until the afternoon on the following day to spend time with Leroy, to have our little talks and kisses, and try to come to terms with what had happened.  Many many years ago I worked for the Australian Funeral Directors Association and this came in handy - we got in contact with Selwyn Allen. Selwyn is a funeral director and a wonderful man, and he met us at our place to talk about arrangements for Leroy's funeral. We sat outside on the deck overlooking the forest, and with his guidance, we made a plan.

It was very hard giving Leroy to Selwyn to take with him, but this was made much easier by the fact that I knew Selwyn, and it felt like we were giving Leroy to a friend.  I knew Selwyn would take very good care of Leroy, with utmost respect and understanding.

We did not want to rush anything, we were not in a hurry to get the funeral/service 'over and done with', and this, I think, made things much easier.  We did not like the idea of cremation or burial, however for many reasons we chose cremation and arranged for a private cremation prior to the service. 

The next few days were spent organising and preparing, and being surrounded by family.  We have been so fortunate to be surrounded by so much love and support, and this made a huge difference to us during those days. Peter's family had arrived from NZ by this time, and it was wonderful to have them with us.

When we saw Leroy at the crematorium he looked so incredibly beautiful and peaceful.With no prompting from us, Dylan leant over and gave Leroy a nice wet kiss on the cheek - he continues to amaze us with his love and understanding.

Through Selwyn we managed to find a beautiful woolen coffin (I still hate that word, it looked more like a little bassinet to me), and the morning of Leroy's cremation my mum, Peter, Dylan and I walked in Long Forest and collected bark, flowers, a stone and some plants and we placed them on Leroy's coffin. We also placed the many beautiful teddy bears and handmade softies with Leroy, and lit some candles. Peter read out the following, and I read out the seventh candle.

Seven candles for Leroy

The first candle represents joy

The pain of losing you is with us now

However we are reminded of the joyous times

Spent with you – some of our happiest times holding you in our arms

And all that you meant to our family

We will miss you

Katrina will light the first candle

The second candle represents courage

To confront our sorrow

To comfort each other and to remind us

That you faced many hardships and difficulties

And yet gave us so much love and taught us many lessons

Belinda will light the second candle

The third candle we light in your memory, Leroy

For the times we laughed, the times we cried

The times we were despairing or lost

And the times we were overcome with love just being in your presence

Brenda will light the third candle

The fourth candle we light for all the love we received

For the beautiful memories we have of you

Of our walks in the forest, our beautiful baths together, and family holidays to Port Fairy

And all the times we went to sleep whilst having blissful cuddles

with you on our chest

Ian will light the fourth candle

The fifth candle represents our grief and sadness

To love is to grieve, and we have loved you deeply

We grieve for the life we did not get to share with you

And for the pain you suffered in your life

You have been so strong and brave

Sue will light the fifth candle

The sixth candle represents Growth

Through you, we have learned so much about ourselves and each other

Our ability to love has grown, as has our appreciation for the simple things in life

We have found depths of nurturing that we didn’t know we had

We have so loved watching you grow bigger and stronger

Richard will light the sixth candle

The seventh candle is to thank you for the gift of gratitude

You have showed us how to stay focused and grounded, and how to trust

We are grateful to have spent our time with you, and that you lived with us in our beautiful home full of love

We are grateful for every day we spent with you

We will love you forever

Peter and Natasha will light the seventh candle

After this we all sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", led by Dylan. It was perfect. 


More blogs to come, there seems so much to write but this is already too long!
Thank you for your love and support, we feel it every day.