No words

It's been two months since our last blog.  This is mainly because I have had nothing to share, and nothing to say. For the first time that I can remember, I have been lost for words. Quite literally.  I have had nothing to say, I haven't wanted to (and mostly still don't want to) talk - I have no words to express myself.

It's been hard. Christmas and New Year were very very hard, not only for me but my family who were around me, and had to put up with me. I was angry. Very angry. Angry at the world, everyone and everything. Screw the world. How could this have happened to my beautiful boy? Something so cruel and random. 

I had another catch up with Gaye my midwife, who brought along her pelvic bone model to show me more exactly what had happened at Leroy's birth and the position he had been in. I know there had been a lot of talking and debriefing soon after Leroy's birth but I was so caught up in the whole scene at the hospital and was in such shock, that a fair bit of it had gone in one ear and out the other. I wanted clarity.

Going through it all again was good, but it brought home to me how particularly unlucky we were. Leroy wasn't too big, his shoulders weren't too wide, my pelvis was not a weird shape, it was Leroy's umbilical cord.  Leroy's umbilical cord was around his shoulders like a shawl, and was pulling his shoulders back so that he could not come out. And in that position we think the pressure on his shoulders at the point where the cord was prevented oxygen getting to Leroy's body/brain.

I got quite a bit of clarity about a few other things at this time too, and it made way for a deeper grief. The chasm of grief, sadness and anger arose and engulfed me.

It's funny how some seemingly small, insignificant things have helped me - a lot. One was a post from Facebook that gave me a new perspective. Even though it is aimed at teenagers, when I read it, I realised that I had 'expected' to have a healthy baby. Mixed in with my anger, I thought the universe had 'done me over', in not giving me a healthy Leroy. I thought the world owed it to me. Well, actually, it doesn't.  And the world does need me, not the other way round.

I have started to put together a video/movie of Leroy. In going through the masses of footage, I have been reminded of how lucky we were to have had Leroy with us at home. I am now able to see Leroy's peace, his happiness, our beautiful family going about it's daily thing, and the fun, love and care that we had for Leroy. It has been very comforting.

Gosh he was beautiful.