Love

Four years. This time four years ago, we were at home, and Leroy was in his cot in our room, looking the most peaceful I had ever seen him.  It's weird saying that. It's bitter-sweet that he only got to look that peaceful after he died.

Today has been emotional. In a way, it's been better. Better in a sense that all the traumatic memories and thoughts have not been there. All the work I have done with my amazing grief counsellor Kaye, has stripped all that back, so that what I am left with is my love for Leroy, my sadness and my tears.

I haven't resisted it, or given myself a hard time for feeling low, crappy, unmotivated and tired. This time I have been able to feel my sadness and let it wash over me. Because I am able to feel my grief and sadness fully, I am also able to feel my love for Leroy much more deeply, and for this I am very grateful. 

After we had dinner tonight, Peter, Dylan, Ruben and I want for a walk in the forest to reflect and think about Leroy. We loved walking with Leroy in the forest and the light was particularly beautiful tonight as we walked along together.

I asked the question, "What have each of us learned from Leroy?" Dylan went first. "Leroy taught me that sometimes things don't go the way you want them to".  A little while later, he said he had another one. "I learned from Leroy, that love is the most important thing in the whole world". I cried as I hugged him.  Dylan has been and is a really amazing older brother to Leroy and Ruben. The depth of his love and genuine caring is amazing. I love my three boys so very much.

Our friendly lizard earlier that day

I had a beautiful encounter late last week. Peter and Ruben were on the back deck watching me planting some seeds in Leroy's vegie patch.   There are three lizards who hang out in our garden and love to bath in the sun. They are very friendly and don't seem to be afraid of us. I went over to say hello to one of them who was at the end of a garden bed sitting in the sun.

Then I walked to the other end of the garden bed. To my amazement, it followed me. I was standing next to a steel dropper (metal stake) that held up chicken wire for the sweet snap peas to trail up, and the lizard crawled up to the very top, and got as close to me as it could. Then it stayed there and just looked at me.

Without even thinking about it, I said "Yes, I miss you too". I felt like it was coming to say hi from Leroy. Might sound silly, but it felt lovely and it was very special.

Dylan is so right, love is the most important thing in the whole world.

My love for Leroy is eternal.