Loving Leroy 3 years on

It is 3 years today since our darling Leroy died.  I have had many mixed emotions over the last few days, and the joy and wonder at having Ruben with us has been mixed with sadness and longing for Leroy. I remember talking with my grief counsellor during my pregnancy about my fears of not knowing how I would feel about Leroy once we had our new baby and how it would change things.  Thanks to the amazing work I have been doing with my counsellor over the last few years, including Brainspotting earlier this year, there is plenty of room for Dylan, Leroy and Ruben in my mind, body and spirit.

In fact, Ruben’s birth has brought forth many, many conversations about Dylan and Leroy as babies. It’s been so lovely to talk about Leroy so much. From the day Ruben was born, he has been making beautiful noises, some of them very similar to the noises that Leroy made. This has brought a great deal of comfort and healing to me, on many levels.

I should also acknowledge that we’ve been pretty private of late. As you might imagine, there have been many, many decisions to make about the birth of our third child. I knew this would be the case if we did manage to conceive again, but knowing it didn’t really make it any easier!

We kept to ourselves a fair bit during the pregnancy, and I saw my grief counsellor a few times when I felt I needed to.  I was very focused on being healthy and not over doing it, which has really paid off.

After many discussions and weighing up the risks, we decided to have an elective caesarian.  Two factors that gave us an increased risk of having shoulder dystocia again, was that I tend to grow big babies (over 4kg), and I have had shoulder dystocia before. These two factors combined meant that the chances were high.

The only way we were going to have a vaginal birth was if our baby decided to come early. At 36 weeks or earlier, our baby would be smaller and we would be less likely to have shoulder dystocia. Even late pregnancy scans can be ±30% inaccurate so that option was not really one we were prepared to take.

We felt that this decision was very private (until after the birth) and really didn’t discuss our birthing decisions with many people.  I can’t really explain why, it just felt right. We also didn’t know the sex of Little Millsy, and did not tell anyone the date we were booked in for the caesarian, as we wanted it all to be a surprise.

I could write a few separate posts on the actual birth itself, it was really beautiful, but today is about Leroy. A beautiful soul who has taught me so much about life and myself.

This year Peter and I went to the Bereaved Parents Weekend run by Very Special Kids (VSK). It was the second year we have been and it was amazing, revealing, and an incredibly healing experience.  Going for the second time allowed me to see how far I had come in one year. At the 2014 weekend we had a session where we wrote a letter to ourselves.  We then put it in an envelope and put the date we wanted VSK to send it to us. My letter from the August 2014 weekend arrived a week ago.

I am sharing it here, in the hope that it somehow helps you see your own magnificence.

Dear Natasha

There are some important things to need to remember:

You gave Leroy everything you had

This is more than enough

Leroy was filled up with love by you,

Peter & Dylan, and everyone else around us

Leroy felt this, through every cell of his body,

Through every part of him

The brain does not need to understand or

know this – love transcends all of the pain

and discomfort

Leroy is free, set yourself free

Free of the guilt, burden, worry and stress

There are no guarantees, and

there never were

The world does not owe you,

your life is a choice

You are wonderful, stupendous

amazing, generous, powerful, creative

and brilliant

You are

Yes, you are

You are not alone

You are a ‘Fantastic Mr Fox’ kind of mum

Dylan and Leroy are a blessing

as are you as their mother

You Rock

Ps if you are feeling crap, don’t resist it

You are, after all, human

Love, from Natasha