Time

In so many ways, Leroy continues to teach me things about myself, and life in general. Today is one of those days where everything I see is seen through 'crap' glasses, everything I see and think about has a brown smelly tinge to it. I decided to go with it today and ride with the emotions.  Not very comfortable, but a good option. Peter, Dylan and I did some gardening this afternoon, and I found it incredibly healing. 

We are starting to prepare for our plant-a-thon on the weekend of 20 & 21 April.  Thanks to our wonderful friend Heather, who is project managing ‘Growing Love’ (aka Leroy’s garden), we hooked up with fabulous Simon Rickard, landscape gardener extraordinaire, and we now have a plan…not only for Leroy’s garden, but for the entire property, and now that it is autumn, it’s time to plant! We are really excited. 

We have lots of beautiful plants that were given to us by family and friends for Leroy’s garden that we have been lovingly re-potting and watering for the last 5 months, and they will be planted in our ‘friendship garden’.  We are also transforming our vegie patch/food garden around Leroy’s tree, and creating a peaceful, beautiful place to sit and reflect/think about Leroy and his legacy. If you would like to come on either/both days (an hour or a day), please let us know.

A few nights ago, we had a visit from a huge male kangaroo. He liked the look of some short grass near the house, and decided to hang out right next to Leroy's tree. He knows a good spot when he sees one.

On another note, I must confess that I have not been very communicative since Leroy died. To my friends and family, please forgive me. I've needed to be very private and have been learning to say 'no' and to set boundaries, a new thing for me. Typing words here is not easy, but it's easier than talking. Given our level of openness and sharing since Leroy was born, it makes sense to us to keep on sharing even if it is not very often.

I thought (naively) that I knew a bit about grief, and therefore, I thought I had some idea of what was to come.  This is not the case at all.  I am seeing an amazing local woman who is a fantastic grief counsellor (many thanks to the Centre for Grief and Bereavement). She is helping me a lot. 

We've been through many anniversaries and birthdays since Leroy died. A month after Leroy died it was my birthday, then a month after that it was Peter's 40^th birthday, then Christmas and New Year, then Dylan's birthday, then Leroy's first birthday and it is coming up to 6 months since Leroy died. 

Just when I feel a level of peace and acceptance, other feelings and emotions arise and I realise that I cannot predict any of this, and there is no place to ‘get to’.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re doing pretty well overall and I am extremely thankful for so many things.

Thank you for your patience and support, it has been and continues to be amazing.